What counts?

A series of events that had happened in the past made me the person I am today. How I was before, I could not begin to imagine. How I even am now, I can hardly tell. What more, the future? My main purpose in life is simple - that is to live in the present.

I once believe that I must always work harder, push myself to the fullest to have a more comfortable life but not anymore. That once optimistic thought had vanished over with time. On other hand, I have this conception that the present is just as important as both past and future. We're only blessed with one life, and with that - it is the state of NOW that we should fully appreciate and embrace.

I'm happy with my current situation, with how I am. Though I'd be lying if I said I don't wish for more. The ironic part is that I don't even know what is it that I truly desire. I think it is about time I sit down and truly analyze myself.

Swirl of Uncertainties

I believe it is just one of those days that one would feel his head up in the clouds. And my turn came much earlier than it's usual pre-determined date. I've been feeling weird lately. But not weird as in a "weird" sort of way. It is...how do I say this? I just have this feeling that something's trying to tie me down, knock my mask off and throw me off guard.

No matter how much I crack my head over this, nothing comes to mind. No lighted bulb beside my head, not even a fused one. For now, I think it's best to wait and see.

...Yeah, I think I'll do just about that.

The Dream

I knew it. The moment I opened my eyes, I knew it was too realistic to be fictitious. Indeed, I tried to withdraw back into my shell but after struggling with sheer tenacity alone, I gave up. And then it hit me like never before that I was still weak; and my will, I presumably realized was still as flimsy as a piece of rotten wood - where even the slightest touch would cause it to fall apart.

I awoke sweating. What on earth have I been doing besides causing myself trouble? "I am at peace" or so I would like to convince myself. It was then I felt a sudden chill down my spine. The feeling of apprehension could have been so easily tossed aside but my intuition, perhaps, prevented me from doing so. And for a very good reason, I believe. The house of memories that I've tried so hard to hide from the world, had started to crumble within me until nothing's left but rubbles and debris. I sometimes wonder, why must the human mind be so easily tempted into producing projected images of our deepest fears? How does something, so ludicrous as a chill in the spine, threaten my self-made peace of hardwork. One's greatest comfort, after all, is to live in the blanket of self-denial.

I'm no damsel in distress, I'd like to remind you. I abhor the idea of depending on others for our own selfish needs. I detest the fact that I still turn to others when situation arises - even with all those proclaimations. Whenever I look into the mirror, I see a grotesque figure staring back at me. The eyes, in particular, had caught my attention without my full-realization of it. It's funny how one could lose sight of everything, even time, when one becomes too enraptured by something. I peered closely and noticed the eyes showed no sign of childlike innocence or gentleness that it once possessed. All that's left was weariness and emptiness. In other words, it is the eyes in which one would usually associate it to - the eyes of the dead. But the real question here is: What had she gone through to become like that?

"Is that girl really me?", I asked myself, over and over again, like some sort of chant. "If that is so, I refuse to allow myself to become like that. Not now, not ever!" And with that, I woke up to my newfound resolve.

Now and then, when I think back, I wonder what did that dream really meant? Was it a sign to prevent me from walking on the path of self-destruction or was it just mere dream? Either way, I'm equally thankful. For hope was once again restored before my very eyes and it was all due to that realistically drawn dream.

Laziness + Relaxation = Escapism?

Sometimes, I wonder why is it so hard to take some time out of my days to sit down and write? I always, inexplicably feel a force pulling me away from it all and into the gentle arms of relaxation. Now that I'm actually laying my thoughts out, I realized that the actual reason of my predicament, is that I'm just lazy. To add, my initial perspective was all just a cover, it seems - a cover to shun my laziness, that I'm not very proud of sometimes.

Different people have different things that they're proud of. Some are proud of themselves, in other words, bloated with ego; some are proud of their wealth and maybe, some their health. Mine, as much as I'd like to keep it a secret but sadly, my pride got the better of me, is my mental state of mind. For I always, always managed to keep myself away from the road of boredom and also, to appreciate the simple things in life. Although, I don't think that there's anything to be proud of, I, for some reasons, just felt like saying it.

My form of escapism from our ever-bleaker world is through reading as I believe, it is one of the most effective ways for me to quench my boredom. Reading, takes me through time, space and worlds. There are also times, I get so immersed in the world of books, that I lose track of time. And because of this, time passes by so quickly, so fast - that I don't even have time to think I'm bored.

As this is an example of my escapism, what's yours then?

Longing

Part 1

Annabell couldn't exactly recall when was the last time she attended a ball. It was then she met her love. Her one true love, who in the latter, left her to marry another woman. One didn't have to be a genius to guess what befell her after that? She was heartbroken, in fact, beyond that – devastated. Many times she asked her pathetic self. Why did she went against her mother's advise? She had heard rumors surrounding him even before that. Indeed, he was tall, dark and extremely handsome but he was also a rake. Annabell's mother had always, from time to time, told her the repercussions of finding these traits for a husband and also, the benefits of having a sensible man for a husband – who would love her enough but not passionately. Let's start with how it all began.

It was one of those grand balls her mother would throw when situation calls for it and this time it was for her daughter's coming out. Annabell was one of the most eligible woman around now that she's 18. She was, no doubt, pretty with pale blue eyes curtained with long eyelashes, light brown ringlets which falls naturally over her shoulders and beautiful features to go with her oval-shaped face. But the list doesn't end right here. What really makes her attractive is the fact that she was the squire's daughter. Fortunately, even with all the wealth her family possess, they remain a close-knitted one.

When that night finally came, Annabell was excited that she'll finally be attending her first ball and at the age of 18, no less. When she was younger, she used to watch the ball from afar, where she wouldn't be seen. Oh, how envious she was back then? At the dresses, the dances and the whole thing itself. “But not anymore”, she reminded herself. She would now, be joining them and she relished the prospect of meeting new people too.

Annabell was dressed in her best dress. A pink satin dress which falls about her shapely figure nicely. She looked into the mirror and thought, “Never once have I seen myself this beautiful”. After that, she descended the stairs feeling a tinged of nervousness when the music suddenly stopped and when all eyes were on her. She turned crimson red without her knowing of it because believe it or not, Annabell had never liked being the center of attention.

It was then a gentleman came up to her and asked, “May I be so honored to have this dance, Ms Graham?”. She, at first, was taken aback by his charming looks and manners but at length, realized the foolishness of the thought. “Well, I'll be delighted, Mr...?”, she replied. “Mr Hedfield”, said he, almost nonchalantly.

Annabell never knew when she had exactly fallen in love with him. Was it the time they danced or was it the time she first laid her eyes upon him? She, in return, paid no attention to these frivolities. The important thing is that she was well aware of her love for Mr. Hedfield.

Ever since, Arthur [Mr. Hedfield insisted to be called by his first name] often called the manor and Annabell herself, always looked forward to his visits. Annabell's father was always inviting of him, unlike her mother, who was still suspicious of his intentions towards her daughter. Annabell and Arthur were happy nevertheless. They went out for walks, shopping and also, to romantic dinners. Those were the time of her life; and how she wished from the bottom of her heart that this could go on forever; and that he would one day propose to her. She was lost in her innocent reverie.

One day, when Annabell was in the garden with Arthur, she thought to herself, “It's been so long since our first meeting and I hope Arthur would grant my lifelong wish”. But life, unfortunately, doesn't always go our way. He took her hand and clasped it between his in a sort of comforting manner. Whether it was too late or not, it was then she realized that something was wrong. She waited and observed with a bad feeling in her gut – and finally it came. “I'm getting married to Lady Loborough” he said. That was enough to destroy her world. “I would also like you to know that no matter what happens you would always be my darling sister”, he added. Annabell was so stunned that she was incapable of asking him why did her let her on? Why her of all the people? Was she some sort of entertainment to him? Any normal lass would have cried in this sort of situation when betrayed by her love. But not her. She refused to cry in front of the scoundrel. After what seems like forever, but in actuality was only few seconds, she muttered, “Thank you”. Realizing that there was nothing left to say, she stood up and excused herself.

It was not until 6 months later, she heard that Mr. Hedfield was finally married. According to the rumors, it is said that the couple toured Paris, France and many other exotic places for their honeymoon. Annabell knows that she should feel anger towards him, them but she was too numbed to feel anything anymore. Hate, love and jealousy, she buried it deep within her. From that day onwards, the days seemed longer than usual and painfully slow. Days became weeks, weeks became months. It was not until years later that they met each other again.



Part 2

The once forgotten love,
Was rekindled by our meeting,
I see it in your eyes,
That intense longing you've tried so hard to hide.

There and then,
You came up to me,
With one of your charming smiles,
There and then,
I started to tremble in nervousness.

You know,
I cannot resist anything about you,
Yet you smiled,
So ever wonderfully,
In spite of knowing it.

Were you not “you”,
I would have been indifferent to it all,
But that would never happen,
For you know as well as I do,
What feelings I have within me?

So why did you leave me in the first place then?
And why did you choose to come back now?

Chances

Wings,
If I have them,
Will I soar like the birds?
Or will I fall,
Like a fallen angel?

To be free,
Is a blessing from heaven,
To be caged,
Is a mortal's sin.

Living under the vast skies,
Connects us,
Neither are we together,
Or alone.

It is for us to decide,
Is it not?

My world

To love someone,
Is to give half of your heart to him,
But the thought of it,
Terrifies me.

To confess to someone,
Is to convey your feelings to him,
But the amount of courage it takes,
I don't even want to think about it.

The next best thing I'd do,
Is to avoid the two,
That way my peaceful world,
I assure myself,
Would still be as one.

Love

The whispers of the wind,
The scent in the air,
The beautiful red and white roses,

They are calling me to you.

Do you know that,
The sight of you,
Causes my heart to beat,
More than I can ever imagine?

A world I never knew,
So vibrant,
So full of life,
Only exists,
When you're in it.

I've become happy,
Too happy for my own good,
For the reality,
I know,
Isn't so kind.

How nice would it be,
If this was a dream?
Then I would never have to wake up again.

One last time

I could only gaze at you from afar,
You,
Whom I love from the deepest depth of my heart.

My first and last love,
The melancholic look on your face,
Shatters my heart into pieces.

If only I could reach out to you,
And embrace you for one last time.

Even if I were to reincarnate once more,
I would undeniably fall in love with you,
You,
Whom my soul is connected with.

March on,
And never look back,
As something good will be awaiting you.

If darkness were to seek you,
Be not afraid,
Look up,
For the moon will always illuminate a path.

Here and now,
I'll always be watching you,
From the infinite skies,
Until the day we reunite once again.

Farewell,
My one and only light.

Secret

People are afraid to admit their fears,
And truth to be told,
I'm one of them.

I can never look straight into a person's eyes,
For fear,
I would betray my own feelings.

Thoughts,
That I've tried so hard to hide,
There's just no way,
I'm going to let anyone find out,
Especially now.

In every heart,
Loneliness exists,
No matter the reason,
It is always there,

But that has nothing to with "anything",
Is there?

Sanity

What have I got to lose?
The answer is nothing.

Time have changed everything,
including myself,
For the better or worst,
I honestly can't tell.

As the years goes by,
I feel like I'm becoming someone else,
Part of me which makes me "me",
Is starting to fade away.

With a mask I don,
And a smile I wear,
I shunned my deepest thoughts,
In the darkness,
Where even the brightest of lights can never reach.

Lying seems like an easy way out,
And it is,
It has become my forte without my knowing of it.

Chains which ties me down,
continues to drag me deeper into the pit,
As I go deeper,
I start to lose part of myself.

Sooner or later,
I'm afraid,
I'll disappear without a trace.

Loneliness

Whenever Loneliness,
Knocks on my door,
I slam it to it's face.

I've been running away,
Deep down I know,
For I refused to see it,
And avoided it like a plague.

It affects me,
And I hate the feeling of it,

Peace,
Ah! I don't even mind,
If it trespasses my place.

Prince Charming?

Once upon a time,
I met a prince,
He was everything that I wasn't.

He was tall,
Fair-skinned,
And with brown tousled hair,
One can drown in his deep brown eyes.

I took everything into account.
His look,
His dressing
And everything about him,
I engraved it in my mind.

Love?
What is love?
Did I actually fall in love with him during that moment?
I'll never know.

We were acquainted then,
Through friends,
And we became friends ourselves.

How time always flies by whenever I was with him,
I enjoyed his company.
He made me feel different.

Fate,
I believed during that time,
Had brought us together.

We were seemingly two different people from the outside,
But upon knowing each other,
we had realized that we were alike on the inside.

An attraction was bound to happen sooner or later,
And it did,
A few months later,
We became lovers.

Those were days that I would always remember,
We spent time together,
we laughed,
we even cried.

Together,
we were like that for almost 6 months,
But the unexpected happened.

He left,
A message,
he also left behind,
It says, "Those time we had,
were the happiest of my life,
and I'm thankful to have met you,
but I'm going back to London.
Therefore, goodbye.
I pray for your happiness".

Just like the wind,
he disappeared out of my life,
Without a trace,
Leaving me behind.

Moving On

I'm afraid,
I really am,
The past is right behind me,
It follows and follows,
And I know that one day,
It'll destroy me.

Young as I was,
I was terrified,
I have no where to go,
But to seek my own shell.

A barrier was created,
But I'm still wandering,
Like a vagrant soldier.

To reach,
Is something out of my reach,
For I am a coward,
With a mask I wear,
I am no different,
From a masquerader.

My heart,
I realized now,
Was left behind,
From the moment I moved on.

Now and then

The swirl of confusion in my heart remains unchanged,
My two little feet are unable to guide me,
For they are unshaken,
Stuck,
And glued to the ground.

The thick fog in front of me disappeared,
when you appeared,
Time is my mortal enemy,
It has left me in a state of nothingness,
From day to night, night to day.

The once stationary globe,
Moved as before,
The same ol' perpetual spin I see,
I shan't ever forget.

How can I not noticed, that I had it all?
Now and then.

Change is not always a good thing

It's hard to admit one's fault, especially when it regards the sleeping habit of the person. In my case, I'm certainly aware that I had never been a morning person. Never was and never will. As a warning, it is always wiser to avoid me in the mornings, for I have the tendency to inflate my own ego [couldn't be bothered about others]. If I could change my sleeping habit, I wouldn't have to suffer from sleep deprivation anymore. I really should turn over a new leaf, and to try, to sleep earlier.

....Like hell, I will.

Lost

I'm lost in my own misery,
As one would get lost in a maze,
Life goes on as usual,
Leaving me behind instead,
What would it feel like?
To walk on the same road as everyone else.

Torrents of rain continues to pour,
Endless,
Continuously,
It soon envelops my entire being,
Washing away,
The last of my dry land.

Time

"I guess it’s about time I made a new blog. Had blogspot not turn it’s back towards me, I would have continued using it. Not literally but it did in a way because I couldn’t logged on anymore nor could I leave comments on other blogspots’. An error, I suppose. Though, I don’t know what had caused it and don’t even want to ponder over it."

Those were my initial thoughts. Today, I tried logging in once more, and it worked for me. Was I surprised? Yes. Talk about the weeks and months I had to wait before using it again. At least, it saves me the trouble of creating a new blog.

Either way, it’s been some time since I last updated my blog. Time really flies by. In a blink of an eye, I realized that I’m already in my second year of college.

Time I now know, should be appreciated as something precious, like a jewel. To be able to live like this, I believe, is a blessing. Every single second, minute and hour counts. Wishing for time to turn back or for the past to catch up, would never happen. If ‘regret’ were to envelop me, I’ll still continue to move forward. For I can see that the future is calling out to me.

I’m surprised that our schedule isn’t hectic this semester and I’m thankful for that.

To commemorate my 'blog's freedom', I think I’ll post something, in correlation to my title for today:

The past, the present and the future

I’m standing alone,
In the middle of my heart,
Freedom seems to have passed me,
For I am the past.

I know from here,
My morrow will ceased to exist,
Forevermore,
My time remains inert.

Enjoy and until next time.