Now and Then

The Chatelaine - Part 3

2011-12-31T23:34:00.000-08:00

“In the beginning, there was nothing but an inhabited piece of land created by the whim of Lyra - the Goddess of Evermore. This was further enhanced with the addition of two different entities called the Humans and the Forest Dwellers to the equation. Whilst intrigued by her new toy, Lyra was also indifferent to it and was convinced that the land called Filra should be left to fend off on its own.

For thousands of years, both races co-existed and everyone was happy with the concord they saw. Until that very day, when fear clawed their hearts and soul ensnared by envy. Afraid of the Forest Dweller's superior ability, the Human race chose to massacre every single one of them...”

Some thought that the extermination of the Forest Dwellers was unjustified but Minerva knew and understood it all. No doubt, the Forest Dwellers are gentle by nature and a friendly bunch. But when tempted by the whispering evil forces of the land; they become an unmitigated terror.

Lured into the dark night, Minerva stood concealed in the hide of the gorse bushes. She had been stalking the two men, or as she puts it trailing them since they left the protective barrier of Lycon village. According to her parchments, Lycon is said to be one of the most well-received countries in all the land. Rich, in resources; and vestiges of the past, it had caught the attentions of intrepid travelers and ardent merchants alike.

The sun had long ago descended below the horizon and the two men she observed were fast asleep by the warmth of the fire. Minerva was wondering why had she tried so hard to hide. For what purpose? She followed them, only because she had wanted to talk to them. But after a few hours of relentless pursuit and almost completely losing sight of them a couple of times, she realized that she did not know how to approach them. So the battle of hiding ensued – with her on the losing side.

“A definite idiot, I tell you,” Shane said, emphasizing on the idiot.
Christian and Shane were both cognizant of the fact that they were being followed by a not-so-skilled stalker or whatever you call it; since the start of their tedious journey. Recognizing that there was no ill intent from her, they just let her be. And here they are; sleeping under the blanket of irradiating stars, with a stalker at their backs.

“Well, from the looks of it, she can't be more than 16,” Christian said, just loud enough for Shane to hear, for his bedroll was laid a couple of meters away from his.
“What's that got to do with her age?”
“Everything.”
Speechless, Shane just threw Christian a disdainful look.
“What?” Christian replied.
“Has anyone ever told you that you're gross?”
“Not since my little meeting with the old man yesterday,” Christian grinned.

A letter to myself

2011-12-27T01:15:00.000-08:00

Dear my past self,

I applaud your courage for reading this. I know it is no easy task when your heart is still like a maelstrom in the still water. I can't predict how much time has passed by the time you read this but I assume that the aching turmoil you feel deep in your gut has calmed down. A little, I believe, if not completely.

On a brighter note, it is well to my knowledge that you have made good progress by coming back to this entry I wrote indefinitely. Seasons change - although this does not apply to where you live - so would you.

You have always been prone to having recurring dreams that you do not plan to revisit. Even so, I beg of you, do not run away. I'm well aware that it still hurts, that you feel like you're drowning in a pool of indescribable emotions.

You still yearn for it, even if you cannot touch it. Your eyes hurt when you look at that broad and achingly powerful back. You avert your gaze before you are caught staring. You have this new-fangled idea to be nice but that only makes it more painful for you. You laugh when that person burst into fits of laughter. You try to avoid him but you are terribly afraid that the person will be lost to you forever. How long do you plan on holding on to these feelings? Why do you torture yourself so? I have but one thing to say to you - Libera te tutemet.

From the present me.

Heartache

2011-12-26T07:11:00.000-08:00

It hurts.

These feelings,
I do not want them,
I do not need them,
I've never asked for any of this,
So how did it happen?

The monotonous days continues,
The perpetual pain ensues,
This neverending cycle
remains the same.

Was the sky this bleak,
Was the thunderous sounds ever this loud,
Was my heart this fragile,
Like a dew in the night,
I sparkle only
when the fleeting light shines my way.

I shut my mind to such thoughts,
I shield my heart from the pain,
I turned my back on the memories,
These useless emotions,
I should have tossed them aside
ages ago.

The Chatelaine - Part 2

2011-08-01T03:26:00.000-07:00

Christian was crossed throughout the journey. He wondered why the old man would delegate such a trifling mission to him.

“Remember, Christian. This is not an individual mission. Dammit. I want you in a group,” said the guild master or better known as the old man.
Christian looked about the bare room. It consisted of nothing but a huge oak table and matching chairs of eight that surrounded it. Meetings were usually held in here, seats customarily given to the elders and higher ranked. Distracted, he had not heard single word.
“Are you listening to me, Christian?” The old man slammed his fist on the table in a fit of exasperation. “I'm not joking. This is an important assignment.”
“Important? What is? All we have to do is to retrieve some unknown girl from some god forsaken mansion, right?” Christian raised an eyebrow. “Who's the chit anyway?”
“Get the girl and then I'll tell you, you lazy ass.”
“Why do I have the oddest feeling that I'm being cheated?” Christian said and left the room.
Now who to pick?
Christian was sitting before a roaring fire in the lounge, sipping a mug of ale. The huge notice board beside the door was almost empty now; save for his newly posted recruitment and some remaining ones. Christian had joined the guild years ago, and was placed under the tutelage of the old man. They were a mercenary guild called the “Graveyard” - a highly repellant name and hired to do miscellaneous work – regardless of how dirty it was. From assassination to soldiering to a bodyguard of a blasted noble. They weren't given the appellation 'greedy mercenaries' for nothing. Anything, as long as the gold was good.
“Hey you.”
Christian looked up from the hearth to the man standing beside him. “Can I help you?”
“You looking for a comrade?”
Christian eyed the young man carefully. He looked like he was in his late teens. Brown sandy hair, defiant blue eyes and a slim frame. What surprised Christian most was the hammer he was nonchalantly carrying. As if it weighed nothing but a piece of turkey leg to him. Amazing.
“Yes, I think you'd do,” he extended a hand. “The name's Christian by the way.”
The young man took his hand graciously into a shake. “Shane.”

“You're from Illnois, huh?” said Christian, as they walked through the town. The place was teeming with merchants, vendors, dancers and raconteurs.
“Yes.”
Yes? That's all you have to say? Assuming that he does not want to talk about his past, Christian quickly flitted to another topic. “So, what made you join a guild?”
Shane stared at Christian as if he was the dumbest being on earth. What else? “Food, money, a bunk to rest. Just like the lot of you.”
“I see.”
“How about you then?” Shane looked at him inquiringly.
“I was taken in by the master years ago, being homeless and all. And here I am. A veteran mercenary with a stomach for ale and an irritating disposition that could send even the master to an early grave.”
Having recognized his favourite fruit vendor, Christian stopped and bought two apples for two copper pieces. One of it, he stuffed into his mouth and the other he tossed to Shane. For some very odd reason, Christian found Shane's expression to be unnerving – a mixture of curiosity and apprehension.
“Listen, you better not be jumping to conclusions. I'm only 23 and clearly, not old enough to be your dad.”
“What? How did you know what I was thinking of?” Shane replied, as if his mind violated.
“Because everything's written blatantly on your face.”
They bought dried meats, crackers and a bag of potatoes for the journey and their canteens were re-filled with fresh water from a rivulet just right out the village's boundary. The old man wanted a party and he had gotten one but Christian was pretty sure that the old man's idea of a group comprises of more than two person. But what can he do about it? No one else had signed up for this excursion, besides Shane.
“Who's this girl we're about to break out?” Shane asked.
They were travelling northward from the village, the only path to the abandoned mansion and the much said enchanted forest. It has been foretold long ago that forests dwellers have no kindness for human beings and once a mortal enters the forest, they will never see the light of the day again.
“Heck, I too wish I knew the answer to that. That geezer refused to disclose anything about her.”
“Not even her age?”
“Nope. Not even that.”
Dusk was settling below the horizon, leaving streaks of orange across the firmament. There was nothing but tufts of grass, acacia and bushes on either side of the road. Still no sign of any sheer wood forest.
“Guess we'll camp out here for the night. I'm sure you're pooped after walking several hours without a break.” said Christian as he dumped his knapsack to the ground.
“Yeah. I guess you're right.”
“And besides, we're much safer sleeping rather than walking in this pitch blackness,” Christian picked some dried bough and set about the fire.
“Why is that?”
“I guess you didn't know? This place isn't entirely deserted and you can thank the bandits for that.”

Soar

2011-07-25T00:58:00.000-07:00

Fly,
through the vasts firmament,
Into the bright morning star.

Spread your wings,
And let the breeze envelop your being.

Forget yourself.
Think of nothing,
Rid yourself of the burden,
To the fetching calmness
of your surrounding.

Enchantment

2011-06-21T09:08:00.000-07:00

Moonlight in my eyes,
Distant stars swimming in perpetual darkness,
Night's dew continues to shimmer,
Incandescent glow touches my skin.

Owls' hooting unfailingly echoes throughout the forest,
The frolicking of perennial being captures me.

I whirled like a dervish,
Dancing against the backdrop of eternal bliss.

Gone

2011-06-18T22:35:00.000-07:00

From the rolling hill,
She saw you,
Sitting on the grass,
Staring back at her.

The distance between you and her,
Was unbridgeable,
The stark opened gap,
Was a sign.

She turned her back,
And you looked through her,
But what would you do,
If you heard her silent cries.

You left your comfort zone,
And ran after her,
You climbed the rolling hill,
But she was already gone.

Now when you look down,
You see her there.
She's so near,
Yet why can't you touch her?

Caged

2011-06-11T22:49:00.000-07:00

I sniffed the pungent essence of life,
Regarding it with distaste and curiosity.
Random thoughts circle my overuse brains,
Driving me nuts with doubled intensity,

Looking back was never hard,
For the numbness of the past had long subsided.

So why?
Do I still feel,
Its poision clutches extending,
Inflicting pain,
On my already scarred heart.

In my mind's eye,
I have created an unreachable place,
Barred with wrought-iron,
Encircled by an invisible barrier,
In hopes to prevent intruders,

And myself from leaving its premises.

Through the limbo

2011-06-03T07:16:00.000-07:00

You're swept off your feet,
Like a pollen in the breeze,
Your journey takes you somewhere,
But you do not know where.

Painful memories,
Blissful times,
Excruciating experiences.

Life is hard,
It's painful,
Full of sorrows.

Fleeting it may be,
It'll soon come to a pass,
A checkpoint,
To an untouched beginning.

Hope

2011-05-28T01:40:00.000-07:00

Here's a little something I've written long ago but would like to share it here on blogspot. It's nothing great but I guess it'll do. ;]

I'm waiting,
For hope,
For a miracle,
That would never be fulfilled.

Even if it is hopeless,
I'm certain,
As long as I have faith,
Patience,
The impossible would happen.

I used to think we were two sides of a coin,
Were meant to be,
And could conquer almost anything together,
But you left before we could even get started,
Why?
I ask, why?

Before meeting you,
I thought I was strong,
But after meeting you,
You proved me wrong.

How I wish I could go back to the past,
And this time,
I could at least count the days,
Before you leave.

The Chatelaine - Part 1

2011-05-21T22:06:00.000-07:00

Vines crept around her castellated mansion - contributing to its already ancient age. Birds warbled in soporific lassitude brought by the sweep of the wind. There were no ramparts or corrugated gates as protection, only rose bushes that circled the entire building. And that was all she needed. A bastion of abandonment.

She need not be afraid of anything. Surrounded by nothing but an enchanted forest to her right, sickled like beach across the balcony of her room, a cul-de-sac on her left and a winding road that leads to the city from her backyard. There was only her-the chatelaine and her mansion. No maidservant to wait on her, no cook to conjure up scrumptious food. Not even the presence of a spirit. And she was contented just as it is.

How long has it been since she was last basked in the company of others? She couldn't remember. Her name, her past or whether she was still alive, for that matter. The chatelaine lay ensconced in her high-backed chair with a cup of tea in her right hand and a paperback novel in the other. She was seated by the window, where the purveyor of light shined at its brightest. The book was titled "Jane Eyre" by Curer Bell and was taken from her vasts collection of books from the library.

Seemingly detached from the world at present, she did not hear the mild crash that came from the vestibule. Her house was decorated with a smorgasbord of paintings and sculptures. Mostly white sculptures of little cupid and his bow, and elegant Grecian ladies. Smacked in the middle of the room was a red velvet three-settee that was joined by its carbon copy at a ninety degree angle on its right and a piece of intricately carved wooden table between them. Each floor was tessellated in black and white tiles. To others this might seemed like a clash of tastes but to her, it perfectly reflect her inner turmoil.

A second crash echoed and this time, it was much louder than before. She looked up from her novel- all five senses heightened; marked the book with a pin and placed it on the coffee table. Lying beside her four-poster bed was a sheathed sword. She took it and followed the origin of the sound.

Never had she felt so excited. Blood was pumping from all sides of her heart's chamber. One might think that she was insane to think so but not her. She welcomed anything that would break her monotonous days. From her vantage point, she could see the outlines of two men and a lady but not their countenance. Of the two, one was equipped with a long sword. The other, a much slighter build, was holding his hammer single-handedly.
“That looks terribly heavy,” she thought.
The lady was paired with a bow and a collection of arrows in her leather compartment strapped to her back. Curious, she wondered who these people were?

Entry 2

2011-04-18T00:37:00.001-07:00

Dear diary,

It's not everyday we get to dream of something so meaningless, so lacking in substance. However, ideas do come every so often in a nebulous form of a dream and most of my stories, to be honest, are usually inspired by the little plays that I conjure up in la-la land. Here's one for instance:

I call this a "Pot of Stew."

Uncle James wiped the pot of stew with a cloth,
It was overflowing with its content,
While the rest of his kin stared in wonderment,
And hunger.

His sister snatched the pot he was cleaning,
A greedy glint in her eyes,
Daring him to look her way,
"Hey, what was that for?" he asked,
"For not listening to my story," she said.

Off she goes weaving her tale,
Of how she wanted to see a play,
But none would,
But one,
Her cousin sister said, "O' but I do."

The rest of the folk said naught,
But shook their heads instead,
In unison they said, "You're just being nice."

Before they could start again,
About something so pointless,
I scooped a little stew
with my wooden spoon,
And into Dear Cousin's mouth it went,
"Hush now," I looked at her, "you're too long-winded."

Now everyone's attention was on me,
And how I love to be basked in it,
I finally said, "So..."
And looked at papa, "When will we be going to Wisteria Forest then?"

To conclude,
That's how a Nimblehead passes his time,
By laying out meaningless questions,
And answers with matching asperity,
...in a nonsensical conundrum.

The end

Till next time,
Abigail.

Entry 1

2011-04-15T04:15:00.000-07:00

Dear diary,

There's a kind of warmth which envelops my being, clutches my heart and does not let go. And I know exactly why.

I sat by the window, looking at the pale, round moon. Dusk seemed to have seeped below the horizon, leaving a sliver of orange light. If only I have my camera with me, I thought.

Looking about my cluttered room, I noticed something peeking out under a hodgepodge of bags and accessories. My camera! "Well, what do we have here?" I said with a smile plastered across my face.

Instead of scooping up my camera, I just left it there and continued to stare at the haunting, yet ethereal view. It was as if I wanted to drill the whole image in my head and yes, the idea really crossed my mind. Hence, the abandonment of the camera.

It was a sight, I believe that I would not forget so soon.

Until then,
Abigail.

What counts?

2010-12-20T02:15:00.000-08:00

A series of events that had happened in the past made me the person I am today. How I was before, I could not begin to imagine. How I even am now, I can hardly tell. What more, the future? My main purpose in life is simple - that is to live in the present.

I once believe that I must always work harder, push myself to the fullest to have a more comfortable life but not anymore. That once optimistic thought had vanished over with time. On other hand, I have this conception that the present is just as important as both past and future. We're only blessed with one life, and with that - it is the state of NOW that we should fully appreciate and embrace.

I'm happy with my current situation, with how I am. Though I'd be lying if I said I don't wish for more. The ironic part is that I don't even know what is it that I truly desire. I think it is about time I sit down and truly analyze myself.

Swirl of Uncertainties

2010-10-19T08:12:00.000-07:00

I believe it is just one of those days that one would feel his head up in the clouds. And my turn came much earlier than it's usual pre-determined date. I've been feeling weird lately. But not weird as in a "weird" sort of way. It is...how do I say this? I just have this feeling that something's trying to tie me down, knock my mask off and throw me off guard.

No matter how much I crack my head over this, nothing comes to mind. No lighted bulb beside my head, not even a fused one. For now, I think it's best to wait and see.

...Yeah, I think I'll do just about that.

The Dream

2010-09-28T03:33:00.000-07:00

I knew it. The moment I opened my eyes, I knew it was too realistic to be fictitious. Indeed, I tried to withdraw back into my shell but after struggling with sheer tenacity alone, I gave up. And then it hit me like never before that I was still weak; and my will, I presumably realized was still as flimsy as a piece of rotten wood - where even the slightest touch would cause it to fall apart.

I awoke sweating. What on earth have I been doing besides causing myself trouble? "I am at peace" or so I would like to convince myself. It was then I felt a sudden chill down my spine. The feeling of apprehension could have been so easily tossed aside but my intuition, perhaps, prevented me from doing so. And for a very good reason, I believe. The house of memories that I've tried so hard to hide from the world, had started to crumble within me until nothing's left but rubbles and debris. I sometimes wonder, why must the human mind be so easily tempted into producing projected images of our deepest fears? How does something, so ludicrous as a chill in the spine, threaten my self-made peace of hardwork. One's greatest comfort, after all, is to live in the blanket of self-denial.

I'm no damsel in distress, I'd like to remind you. I abhor the idea of depending on others for our own selfish needs. I detest the fact that I still turn to others when situation arises - even with all those proclaimations. Whenever I look into the mirror, I see a grotesque figure staring back at me. The eyes, in particular, had caught my attention without my full-realization of it. It's funny how one could lose sight of everything, even time, when one becomes too enraptured by something. I peered closely and noticed the eyes showed no sign of childlike innocence or gentleness that it once possessed. All that's left was weariness and emptiness. In other words, it is the eyes in which one would usually associate it to - the eyes of the dead. But the real question here is: What had she gone through to become like that?

"Is that girl really me?", I asked myself, over and over again, like some sort of chant. "If that is so, I refuse to allow myself to become like that. Not now, not ever!" And with that, I woke up to my newfound resolve.

Now and then, when I think back, I wonder what did that dream really meant? Was it a sign to prevent me from walking on the path of self-destruction or was it just mere dream? Either way, I'm equally thankful. For hope was once again restored before my very eyes and it was all due to that realistically drawn dream.

Laziness + Relaxation = Escapism?

2010-09-23T03:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I wonder why is it so hard to take some time out of my days to sit down and write? I always, inexplicably feel a force pulling me away from it all and into the gentle arms of relaxation. Now that I'm actually laying my thoughts out, I realized that the actual reason of my predicament, is that I'm just lazy. To add, my initial perspective was all just a cover, it seems - a cover to shun my laziness, that I'm not very proud of sometimes.

Different people have different things that they're proud of. Some are proud of themselves, in other words, bloated with ego; some are proud of their wealth and maybe, some their health. Mine, as much as I'd like to keep it a secret but sadly, my pride got the better of me, is my mental state of mind. For I always, always managed to keep myself away from the road of boredom and also, to appreciate the simple things in life. Although, I don't think that there's anything to be proud of, I, for some reasons, just felt like saying it.

My form of escapism from our ever-bleaker world is through reading as I believe, it is one of the most effective ways for me to quench my boredom. Reading, takes me through time, space and worlds. There are also times, I get so immersed in the world of books, that I lose track of time. And because of this, time passes by so quickly, so fast - that I don't even have time to think I'm bored.

As this is an example of my escapism, what's yours then?

Longing

2010-09-12T22:44:00.000-07:00

Part 1

Annabell couldn't exactly recall when was the last time she attended a ball. It was then she met her love. Her one true love, who in the latter, left her to marry another woman. One didn't have to be a genius to guess what befell her after that? She was heartbroken, in fact, beyond that – devastated. Many times she asked her pathetic self. Why did she went against her mother's advise? She had heard rumors surrounding him even before that. Indeed, he was tall, dark and extremely handsome but he was also a rake. Annabell's mother had always, from time to time, told her the repercussions of finding these traits for a husband and also, the benefits of having a sensible man for a husband – who would love her enough but not passionately. Let's start with how it all began.

It was one of those grand balls her mother would throw when situation calls for it and this time it was for her daughter's coming out. Annabell was one of the most eligible woman around now that she's 18. She was, no doubt, pretty with pale blue eyes curtained with long eyelashes, light brown ringlets which falls naturally over her shoulders and beautiful features to go with her oval-shaped face. But the list doesn't end right here. What really makes her attractive is the fact that she was the squire's daughter. Fortunately, even with all the wealth her family possess, they remain a close-knitted one.

When that night finally came, Annabell was excited that she'll finally be attending her first ball and at the age of 18, no less. When she was younger, she used to watch the ball from afar, where she wouldn't be seen. Oh, how envious she was back then? At the dresses, the dances and the whole thing itself. “But not anymore”, she reminded herself. She would now, be joining them and she relished the prospect of meeting new people too.

Annabell was dressed in her best dress. A pink satin dress which falls about her shapely figure nicely. She looked into the mirror and thought, “Never once have I seen myself this beautiful”. After that, she descended the stairs feeling a tinged of nervousness when the music suddenly stopped and when all eyes were on her. She turned crimson red without her knowing of it because believe it or not, Annabell had never liked being the center of attention.

It was then a gentleman came up to her and asked, “May I be so honored to have this dance, Ms Graham?”. She, at first, was taken aback by his charming looks and manners but at length, realized the foolishness of the thought. “Well, I'll be delighted, Mr...?”, she replied. “Mr Hedfield”, said he, almost nonchalantly.

Annabell never knew when she had exactly fallen in love with him. Was it the time they danced or was it the time she first laid her eyes upon him? She, in return, paid no attention to these frivolities. The important thing is that she was well aware of her love for Mr. Hedfield.

Ever since, Arthur [Mr. Hedfield insisted to be called by his first name] often called the manor and Annabell herself, always looked forward to his visits. Annabell's father was always inviting of him, unlike her mother, who was still suspicious of his intentions towards her daughter. Annabell and Arthur were happy nevertheless. They went out for walks, shopping and also, to romantic dinners. Those were the time of her life; and how she wished from the bottom of her heart that this could go on forever; and that he would one day propose to her. She was lost in her innocent reverie.

One day, when Annabell was in the garden with Arthur, she thought to herself, “It's been so long since our first meeting and I hope Arthur would grant my lifelong wish”. But life, unfortunately, doesn't always go our way. He took her hand and clasped it between his in a sort of comforting manner. Whether it was too late or not, it was then she realized that something was wrong. She waited and observed with a bad feeling in her gut – and finally it came. “I'm getting married to Lady Loborough” he said. That was enough to destroy her world. “I would also like you to know that no matter what happens you would always be my darling sister”, he added. Annabell was so stunned that she was incapable of asking him why did her let her on? Why her of all the people? Was she some sort of entertainment to him? Any normal lass would have cried in this sort of situation when betrayed by her love. But not her. She refused to cry in front of the scoundrel. After what seems like forever, but in actuality was only few seconds, she muttered, “Thank you”. Realizing that there was nothing left to say, she stood up and excused herself.

It was not until 6 months later, she heard that Mr. Hedfield was finally married. According to the rumors, it is said that the couple toured Paris, France and many other exotic places for their honeymoon. Annabell knows that she should feel anger towards him, them but she was too numbed to feel anything anymore. Hate, love and jealousy, she buried it deep within her. From that day onwards, the days seemed longer than usual and painfully slow. Days became weeks, weeks became months. It was not until years later that they met each other again.

Part 2

The once forgotten love,
Was rekindled by our meeting,
I see it in your eyes,
That intense longing you've tried so hard to hide.

There and then,
You came up to me,
With one of your charming smiles,
There and then,
I started to tremble in nervousness.

You know,
I cannot resist anything about you,
Yet you smiled,
So ever wonderfully,
In spite of knowing it.

Were you not “you”,
I would have been indifferent to it all,
But that would never happen,
For you know as well as I do,
What feelings I have within me?

So why did you leave me in the first place then?
And why did you choose to come back now?

Chances

2010-08-23T08:05:00.000-07:00

Wings,
If I have them,
Will I soar like the birds?
Or will I fall,
Like a fallen angel?

To be free,
Is a blessing from heaven,
To be caged,
Is a mortal's sin.

Living under the vast skies,
Connects us,
Neither are we together,
Or alone.

It is for us to decide,
Is it not?

My world

2010-07-23T06:15:00.000-07:00

To love someone,
Is to give half of your heart to him,
But the thought of it,
Terrifies me.

To confess to someone,
Is to convey your feelings to him,
But the amount of courage it takes,
I don't even want to think about it.

The next best thing I'd do,
Is to avoid the two,
That way my peaceful world,
I assure myself,
Would still be as one.

Love

2010-07-18T08:34:00.000-07:00

The whispers of the wind,
The scent in the air,
The beautiful red and white roses,

They are calling me to you.

Do you know that,
The sight of you,
Causes my heart to beat,
More than I can ever imagine?

A world I never knew,
So vibrant,
So full of life,
Only exists,
When you're in it.

I've become happy,
Too happy for my own good,
For the reality,
I know,
Isn't so kind.

How nice would it be,
If this was a dream?
Then I would never have to wake up again.

One last time

2010-07-17T00:23:00.000-07:00

I could only gaze at you from afar,
You,
Whom I love from the deepest depth of my heart.

My first and last love,
The melancholic look on your face,
Shatters my heart into pieces.

If only I could reach out to you,
And embrace you for one last time.

Even if I were to reincarnate once more,
I would undeniably fall in love with you,
You,
Whom my soul is connected with.

March on,
And never look back,
As something good will be awaiting you.

If darkness were to seek you,
Be not afraid,
Look up,
For the moon will always illuminate a path.

Here and now,
I'll always be watching you,
From the infinite skies,
Until the day we reunite once again.

Farewell,
My one and only light.

Secret

2010-07-16T02:21:00.000-07:00

People are afraid to admit their fears,
And truth to be told,
I'm one of them.

I can never look straight into a person's eyes,
For fear,
I would betray my own feelings.

Thoughts,
That I've tried so hard to hide,
There's just no way,
I'm going to let anyone find out,
Especially now.

In every heart,
Loneliness exists,
No matter the reason,
It is always there,

But that has nothing to with "anything",
Is there?

Sanity

2010-07-16T01:39:00.000-07:00

What have I got to lose?
The answer is nothing.

Time have changed everything,
including myself,
For the better or worst,
I honestly can't tell.

As the years goes by,
I feel like I'm becoming someone else,
Part of me which makes me "me",
Is starting to fade away.

With a mask I don,
And a smile I wear,
I shunned my deepest thoughts,
In the darkness,
Where even the brightest of lights can never reach.

Lying seems like an easy way out,
And it is,
It has become my forte without my knowing of it.

Chains which ties me down,
continues to drag me deeper into the pit,
As I go deeper,
I start to lose part of myself.

Sooner or later,
I'm afraid,
I'll disappear without a trace.

Loneliness

2010-06-25T04:46:00.000-07:00

Whenever Loneliness,
Knocks on my door,
I slam it to it's face.

I've been running away,
Deep down I know,
For I refused to see it,
And avoided it like a plague.

It affects me,
And I hate the feeling of it,

Peace,
Ah! I don't even mind,
If it trespasses my place.

Prince Charming?

2010-06-14T04:34:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time,
I met a prince,
He was everything that I wasn't.

He was tall,
Fair-skinned,
And with brown tousled hair,
One can drown in his deep brown eyes.

I took everything into account.
His look,
His dressing
And everything about him,
I engraved it in my mind.

Love?
What is love?
Did I actually fall in love with him during that moment?
I'll never know.

We were acquainted then,
Through friends,
And we became friends ourselves.

How time always flies by whenever I was with him,
I enjoyed his company.
He made me feel different.

Fate,
I believed during that time,
Had brought us together.

We were seemingly two different people from the outside,
But upon knowing each other,
we had realized that we were alike on the inside.

An attraction was bound to happen sooner or later,
And it did,
A few months later,
We became lovers.

Those were days that I would always remember,
We spent time together,
we laughed,
we even cried.

Together,
we were like that for almost 6 months,
But the unexpected happened.

He left,
A message,
he also left behind,
It says, "Those time we had,
were the happiest of my life,
and I'm thankful to have met you,
but I'm going back to London.
Therefore, goodbye.
I pray for your happiness".

Just like the wind,
he disappeared out of my life,
Without a trace,
Leaving me behind.

Moving On

2010-06-11T01:01:00.001-07:00

I'm afraid,
I really am,
The past is right behind me,
It follows and follows,
And I know that one day,
It'll destroy me.

Young as I was,
I was terrified,
I have no where to go,
But to seek my own shell.

A barrier was created,
But I'm still wandering,
Like a vagrant soldier.

To reach,
Is something out of my reach,
For I am a coward,
With a mask I wear,
I am no different,
From a masquerader.

My heart,
I realized now,
Was left behind,
From the moment I moved on.

Now and then

2010-06-05T23:29:00.000-07:00

The swirl of confusion in my heart remains unchanged,
My two little feet are unable to guide me,
For they are unshaken,
Stuck,
And glued to the ground.

The thick fog in front of me disappeared,
when you appeared,
Time is my mortal enemy,
It has left me in a state of nothingness,
From day to night, night to day.

The once stationary globe,
Moved as before,
The same ol' perpetual spin I see,
I shan't ever forget.

How can I not noticed, that I had it all?
Now and then.

Change is not always a good thing

2010-06-03T01:42:00.000-07:00

It's hard to admit one's fault, especially when it regards the sleeping habit of the person. In my case, I'm certainly aware that I had never been a morning person. Never was and never will. As a warning, it is always wiser to avoid me in the mornings, for I have the tendency to inflate my own ego [couldn't be bothered about others]. If I could change my sleeping habit, I wouldn't have to suffer from sleep deprivation anymore. I really should turn over a new leaf, and to try, to sleep earlier.

....Like hell, I will.

Lost

I'm lost in my own misery,
As one would get lost in a maze,
Life goes on as usual,
Leaving me behind instead,
What would it feel like?
To walk on the same road as everyone else.

Torrents of rain continues to pour,
Endless,
Continuously,
It soon envelops my entire being,
Washing away,
The last of my dry land.

Time

2010-05-31T22:54:00.000-07:00

"I guess it’s about time I made a new blog. Had blogspot not turn it’s back towards me, I would have continued using it. Not literally but it did in a way because I couldn’t logged on anymore nor could I leave comments on other blogspots’. An error, I suppose. Though, I don’t know what had caused it and don’t even want to ponder over it."

Those were my initial thoughts. Today, I tried logging in once more, and it worked for me. Was I surprised? Yes. Talk about the weeks and months I had to wait before using it again. At least, it saves me the trouble of creating a new blog.

Either way, it’s been some time since I last updated my blog. Time really flies by. In a blink of an eye, I realized that I’m already in my second year of college.

Time I now know, should be appreciated as something precious, like a jewel. To be able to live like this, I believe, is a blessing. Every single second, minute and hour counts. Wishing for time to turn back or for the past to catch up, would never happen. If ‘regret’ were to envelop me, I’ll still continue to move forward. For I can see that the future is calling out to me.

I’m surprised that our schedule isn’t hectic this semester and I’m thankful for that.

To commemorate my 'blog's freedom', I think I’ll post something, in correlation to my title for today:

The past, the present and the future

I’m standing alone,
In the middle of my heart,
Freedom seems to have passed me,
For I am the past.

I know from here,
My morrow will ceased to exist,
Forevermore,
My time remains inert.

Enjoy and until next time.

Now, this is what I call "Irrelevant information". Or in short, "Bullshit".

2010-03-07T06:16:00.001-08:00

Hey, there. It's been 2 weeks since classes have started for this semester. And for your information, everything's going smoothly to the point where it slightly freaks me out. I've been expecting worse, to be honest. Such as getting another stupid schedule that is almost, what can I say, unreasonable. When I meant unreasonable, I really meant it. Maybe, it's just me being paranoid. But still, no thanks, to my previous schedule for molding me into such a pessimist. Believe me, somethings are better left unsaid.

This semester's classes have introduced me to a whole new level of "BORING". The dude, ahem, I mean the lecturer, seriously have to take teaching lessons before teaching us. From time to time, I would have this sudden urge to tell him that " We can read, in case you haven't noticed." but I let it passed. Thinking that it's better to not get my reading time reduced in class, if he does change his mind about his teaching methods.

I'm not all hard-headed. I still have in little conscience in me, mind you, and naturally, I feel for the poor guy when everyone leaves his lecture midway,...myself included, I admit. But I only did that once, and it was also my last.

After that, I started skipping his lectures. That way, he won't have to see my-dying-of-boredom face and I don't have to see his indescribable face. Don't you think that's a fine decision? Haha,only in my book, though.

But no, because recently, Mr. IDontKnowWhatHisNameIs decided to make his classes' attendance mandatory. I've no choice now but to go, even if his classes are usually at night, from 7pm-9pm.

Yesterday, was our first practical class for e-publishing. Saturday? Yes, Saturday and I've no idea why the management would arrange Saturday classes for us. Even though, it's unnecessary when our schedule for this semester is anything but hectic and packed.

Back on topic, I guess yesterday's class wasn't all bad and had been productive, since I managed to write something. Even if it's stupid. Here goes:

I'm ignorant and indolent,
And everyone knows that,
My mum claims she's my sister,
Even if she's 47,
My dad loves rocks and stones,
to the point of obsession,
My brother studies from day to night,
And comes home looking like a Zombie,
My dog's name is Rocky,
because my dad loves rocks,
My other dog is Joy,
as in Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy.

Until next time. Adios.

Fate

2009-12-17T19:41:00.000-08:00

Please be warned that this is an extremely short story. Thank you.

They didn't meet by chance but fate. It was pouring cats and dogs that day. The heroine was desperately looking for shelter from the rain. That's when she first saw him - sipping a warm cup of tea, in a quaint cafe by the roadside. It was love at first sight for her as soon as their eyes met each others. That was the beginning of their inevitable destiny.

Ever since, the woman would always sit inconspicuously nearby and observe at him. As time passes by, the heroine realized that she was hopelessly in love with him, yet, she couldn't bring herself to confess. This was all due to the difference in social standings. As one with a pair of eyes, could immediately discern that the hero is an elitist. It was a very painful love for the heroine but she preserved.

On one unexpected day, the man suddenly came up to the heroine - offering her a cup of coffee and also her hand in marriage. He told her that he was aware of her love for him and he too, had fallen in love with her from the beginning. Otherwise, he added, he wouldn't have continuously dropped by the cafe. The man then, swore everlasting love for the woman and she swore to respond to that love.

They lead a cozy life together after eloping. It was the only way to be together as it was obvious that both families had opposed to their idea of getting married and wouldn't give their blessings. They were happy nevertheless. But all good things must come to an end...

It was the time of war where the nation, country and the world became chaotic. Gunshot can be heard sporadically on the streets and if one is unlucky, he or she might get shot by a strayed bullet. Worried for the woman's safety, the man desperately searched for a way to send the woman to a safer place. Partly, because most of the men in the country were enlisted – himself included. And so, the two were separated by war - together with the flow of time.

The typical story

2009-12-17T07:21:00.000-08:00

This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to events, real person - living or dead and places are purely coincidental. This is based on the author's imagination.

I sometimes wonder who am I and what should I do in life? For some reasons, everytime I ask someone the same question, I keep getting a "just be yourself and you'll be fine" answer. How typical of them. The problem with me here, people, is that I don’t know where my real self is. But there's no way, I can tell them that. It'll be much too sad to be pitied by others and I'm sure, my pride wouldn't allow it.

The weather today reminds me of that very day. Black clouds can be seen overshadowing the vivid blue sky. One didn't have to be a meteorologist to figure that it'll rain soon.

I'm finally in my last year of high school. It seems so unreal that time passes by so fast. Who knows, maybe in the next 30 seconds, I might be needing hearing aids. It's the first day of school and things are starting to get, or in fact, already hectic. We were all instructed to line up according to our respective classes regardless of grades. I feel like I'm in kindergarten again. Hurray. Things got even better later. The principal gave us the usual "back to school" speech. I swear, everytime he opens his mouth I feel like shoving a size 12 boots up his ass. On a second thought, I'm playing the good girl today. So, I'll just let that slide for now.

Sitting in the middle of my new class, I recognize some piggish faces. Gorilla boy is still looking like a monkey and baldy, I see, is as bald as ever. Saying that I’m sick of seeing the same old faces is an exaggeration. I’m glad that some of my victims, I mean good friends are still in this school. Speaking of the devil, there’s the two of them now– Betty and Katie. I stood up and walked towards them. Though, I’m not really in the mood to talk to anyone today but what the heck. Mind you, that doesn’t mean I’m emo. I would prefer calling it a phase.

“Hey, guys. What’s up? I see, you guys are doing fine”, I said, smiling. Rather than just fine, you guys look like you’ve just won a lottery.

“Hi, Merry. How is it going?”, Katie replied, nonchalantly.

I wish they would just call me by my given name. Do I really look merry to you guys? It’s not like I particularly adore the name, Merewyn, but at least, it beats being called “Merry”. Mum loved Anya Seton’s Avalon, therefore, named me Merewyn, the protagonist of the book. Whatever possessed her to do that, I wonder.

Ring!!!

“There goes the bell. Shall we have lunch now? I’m famished”, I said, hungrily.

We’re now walking along the corridor towards the staircase. The walls had been painted green all over. As if the school isn’t green enough. It now looks more like a jungle instead of a place for educating idiots. Not like I care or anything because I’m definitely getting out of here next year.

We climbed down the stairs from the 4^th floor because students are not allowed to use the elevator which I find it so damn ridiculous. The urge to shout, "All stairs should be burnt", came to me when I set foot on the bottom stair.

Damn. To think, the canteen is barely a few feet away. And, I already feel like I've been run over by a bulldozer. I guess, mummy was right after all, that kids like me are the reason why safe sex must be practiced. Ouch, I feel like I’ve just rubbed salt on my own wound.

Dear Betty, suddenly, decided to give me a nice whack on my head. I guess I don't or will never understand what's going on in that head of hers.

“ Must you do that? If you want something, just ask like a normal person.”, I said while frowning. Hit me another time and I’ll send you flying with the birds.

“ Look over there. At the far, right end, on the bench. Isn’t that guy hot or what?”, Betty said, excitedly without a hint of hiding it.

Even though, Betty’s face is like a chicken. Fortunately, her good taste in men makes up for it. Staring at the guy, I realize he does look rather attractive, from afar – and familiar.

Can someone tell me why everyone in this school are such gluttons? As usual, the canteen is crowded with a bunch of hungry ghosts. Trying to find seats is like trying to search for a grain of rice in the desert.

We were lucky to get ourselves some seats a couple of minutes later. I dropped my bag on the table and went to get myself some food. For once, I was not oblivious towards my surroundings. I noticed the canteen’s management has changed. Thank god, the queue isn’t that long either. I unzipped my wallet and pulled out a dollar and 20 cents, before reaching the cashier. Why? Because there’s always a numbskull behind me, who can’t even wait for a second or two. It’s finally my turn.

“I would like two curry puffs please.” I asked, politely.

“That will be a dollar and 20 cents”, the cashier said expressionlessly.

I accidentally dropped the 20 cents while handing it to the cashier. Goddammit, I must be having butter fingers today. The coin rolled slightly behind me. I bent down to grab the coin, but ended up, head-butting another person who bent down at the same time.

Ouch. That hurts like hell. Should I punch him in the face for picking it up or thank him for that? Now, looking up, I wished that the ground would just swallow me wholly.

“ S-Shane”, I stuttered.

“ Merewyn”, he said, unblinkingly and the 20 cents slipped from his fingers.

Unjustified ramblings

2009-12-03T05:35:00.000-08:00

Don't you feel that life sucks at times? As a matter of fact, I do. This stupid notion began weeks ago. My schedule is so messed up that words can't describe it. Lecturers are so frigging boring that it'll put any idiot to sleep instantly. The constant bombardment of assignments that seems to be endless. Oh right, who can even forget, the amount of sleep I get every day. Look at me, and you'll see a walking zombie.

Laziness to the Max?

2009-08-19T04:13:00.000-07:00

As you all know, my laziness is nothing new, so I'm just going to skip the details of why I haven't been writing lately.

On a second thought, since I'm actually typing right now, I might as well just say it. Why? Because I'm too lazy. That's why. ;P

First things first, I would like to say that after going through all those hardships that drained 10 years of my lifespan, I finally got my driving license. Maybe i exaggerated a little too much on "my lifespan part" but who cares.

"Me thinks", now's not the time to get elated since my final examinations is just around the corner and not forgetting the fact, I still haven't cracked a single book.

Somehow, I feel like crying now.

An enjoyable day

2009-06-09T06:29:00.000-07:00

It's been some time since I last updated my blog. To be frank, it wasn't because I was too busy or anything of the sort, I was just being lazy. I'm the last person you even expect to be hardworking. Where do you think I earned the appellation "laziest person around"?

Today's mass communication lecture kinda bores me. I was practically staring vacantly at the wall while jotting down notes. Thankfully, it wasn't that boring to the point dozing off. Our next lecture with Pn. Ana was fun as always. Never once have I thought it was tedious.

Not much to my surprise, class ended earlier as expected. The few of us went to times square by bus. It was one hell of a bumpy ride. Next thing I knew, we were already at the mamak store, filling up our miserable stomachs. Met up with Tze Yang after that.

Initially, I thought of going bowling but after thinking twice, I decided to go for a movie instead. We (who is Charissa, Tze yang and myself) watched Terminator. It was only average in my opinion. It didn't piqued my interest at all. No offense to those who adore it. I found some parts of the show pointless and irrelevant. It's almost as if, it was just for the sake of killing time. Somehow, the biggest flaw of the show was the mystifying plot. I couldn't comprehend it no matter how much I think. Charissa went back earlier before the movie even ended.

After the movie, we strolled around times square while waiting for my mum. I even bought a handbag which is identical to the broken one I have at home. Went back around 8pm. All in all, it was an enjoyable day.

A new start

2009-05-19T01:14:00.000-07:00

I had lots of fun today. I met a bevy of boisterous and yet, good-natured people. It's hard to believe that we actually have a lot in common. At first, I was kinda nervous of the idea of meeting new people but those worries were for naught.

Moving on, I would like to say that the compound is really huge. Kinda mind-boggling if you ask me. But it's a good thing nonetheless, since Tar College comprised of **** students. Come to think of it, I have absolutely no idea how many students are there in Tarc.

I'm sure it's going to be quite hectic from here on but one thing's for sure, I'm most probably going to enjoy my college life to the fullest. You can count on that.

An exhilarating, yet tiring day

2009-05-09T05:47:00.001-07:00

I would like to say that it's the first time I actually hung out with Wahyun and Tze Yang. It was really enjoyable. One of the reasons is because I was treated to lunch by "moyang". The other is because of Wahyun's various antics. I find it impossible to not laugh at such a random guy. We spent most of the time strolling around aimlessly and blathering on and on. It was fun in it's own way nonetheless.

Besides that, we also went for a movie. Initially, we wanted to watch X-men but there weren't any good seats. So, we settled for "Star Trek" instead. Let's just say that "Star Trek" wasn't the best nor worst show out there. It was fairly mediocre. The story didn't have much depths as I have expected. Somehow, it felt kinda rehashed to me. I think it's because that it's a remake of the old version? Who knows? I'm not that well-informed to begin with.

The weirdo

2009-04-16T04:38:00.000-07:00

Out of the blue, I was told by Kamilah that she had a fractured ankle. So, I paid her a visit during the morning to check on how she was doing. Thankfully, her injury wasn't too serious. Rather, I actually found it amusing, when she told me that she was laughing instead of crying in pain, when she fractured her ankle. Don't you think it's normal for one to cry in such situation? Well, in her case it's a completely different story. After all, she's already a bit of an oddball to begin with.

It's been quite some time now since we last met up with each other, so it isn't surprising that we had lots to talk about today. Seriously, time really flies when you're having fun (especially when you're eating). Without realizing, it was already time to go home.

The toothsome cake

2009-04-12T06:57:00.000-07:00

We bought a cake as a celebration of my brother's twentieth birthday. All I can say is the cake was absolutely scrumptious, not the person. Cappuccino cheesecake with some white chocolate sticks as decoration, doesn't that makes you start craving for it? Well, it did for me as I was the one who actually picked it. A delectable choice indeed or so I would like to say.

Last but not least, I would like to wish my brother, Happy Birthday.

And....
Ps: If you're reading this, I would like you to know that you're actually tone-deaf.

An exhausting day

2009-04-11T02:37:00.000-07:00

After all those delays and procrastination, I finally decided to go for my driving test. Alas, the whole thing isn't as simple as it may seem. There's so much that I have to do before I can even get hold of the steering wheel.

By daybreak, I was already wide awake for some inexplicable reasons. I then, did the "usual stuff" such as brushing my teeth and getting dressed. Since there's some time left to spare, I dawdled through breakfast.

As agreed, the driving instructor came to pick me up approximately at 7.30 am. It took about almost an hour, from my house which is situated in Ampang to Bangi and vice versa. At the driving school, we had to listen to one of the instructor's "talk" for 5 frigging hours regarding the rules of driving and so. It was so long and tedious, that I nearly dozed off a few times but sadly, my aching back or should I say my sore butt, prevented me from doing so.

I was already dog-tired when I was on my way home. To make matters worst, it started raining cats and dogs. I could barely see anything that was lay stretched beyond the windshield or windows of the car. Due to the rain, the roads became congested and clogged. By the time I got home, I was already half-dead.

Gintama

2009-04-06T17:47:00.000-07:00

My Reviews:

Gintama takes place in Japan which have been taken over by Aliens or better known as Amanto since the late Edo period. Due to the "Sword Abolishment Act", there were only a handful of samurai's left. Among them, Sakata Gintoki is depicted as an extremely laid-back samurai who carries a bokuto (wooden sword). Together with Kagura, a seemingly normal girl with an enormous appetite and monstrous strength, and Shinpachi, your typical bespectacled adolescent, they'll take up odd jobs to fill their stomachs and pay their rent?

Gintama can be classified as an action, parody type of anime with a pinch of science fiction. The series is exceedingly funny despite being episodic. There are also several action sequences that would put other series to shame, although in reality, its all about comedy. To be honest, among all the "shounen" animes I have watched, I have never encountered a series who the main protagonist actually lacks the motivation to do anything and has an obsession for sweets. That itself already makes the show unique and intriguing. Alas, it's such a pity that many tend to get put off by the series.

Speaking of which, the characters are actually the ones that make the series incredibly ludicrous with their various personalities. I especially liked how the mangaka (author) managed to maintain the jokes without being repetitive, even after 150 episodes. To exaggerate something so insignificant can be regarded as gintama's second nature. I mean, have you ever seen a character, abruptly ends their long, drawn out fight to just take a dump? Or a character, going to great lengths just to get the latest "Shounen jump"(comic) issue, leading to situations such as amnesia? More or less, most of the characters in the series have one thing in common which is their contradictory statements.

The art in gintama is fairly mediocre, although the animation during the fighting scenes are extremely fluid and top-notch. The opening and ending themes are pretty catchy too. It fits the atmosphere of the show.

It's kinda sad that this series is either disliked or not known to many. No doubt, gintama is not everyone's cup of tea but still, I highly recommend this anime any time and day.

Digging up the past

2009-04-06T09:18:00.000-07:00

I've been contemplating for awhile now whether i should start a blog. With some continual pondering, I finally made one. It's still kinda unexpected because I don't really have anything much to write about myself nor my daily routines. It's utterly mundane.

Here's a list of things I do - I eat, I sleep, I watch anime (japanese cartoon)...and it's back to square one. Please be informed that I do have a life. It's just that I'm not in the mood to "lepak" with friends at the mall and listening to them blabbing on and on. You think that's what teenagers usually do? As for me, I don't think that's the case. It's more like listening to granny's repetitive stories. Although it can be entertaining at times, it can also be a tad annoying too. Nevertheless, though there may be a little contradiction here, I still enjoy my friend's company. Nothing can replace the warmth and kindness (not forgetting headaches) which they have given me. They (Kam, Bhua and G gee in short) are irreplaceable pals who will not be forgotten easily with time.

We have all started to part our own ways ever since we graduated from high school. All taking a step into adulthood and towards the distant future. Of course, we still keep in touch with each other.

Believe it or not, somehow this made me recalled the past. Looking back, those were the good old days. We shared our joy and laughter with each other. But unfortunately, the road of friendship is one hell of a bumpy ride. There were certain times we felt suffocated and saddened by it. But look at the bright side, since we managed to retain our friendship till this very day, it proved that our trust in each other cannot be broken easily like a chain that binds us together. Haha. It sure sounded corny, but what the heck?.

Ooo, I didn't plan on writing this much. So with that, I would like to end my little reminiscing here. Until next time....when i ever feel like writing. ;P